What does dissociation feel like?
“I’m just constantly and acutely aware of my thoughts, my emotions, my sensory experiences, in a way that often feels disaggregated. The borders and boundaries around my sense of self are very permeable at times,” Lawton said. “There’s this idea that you’re going to dissolve the boundary between you and the rest of the world and you’re not going to have any anxiety or something. That has not been my experience whatsoever. Intensive meditation has to some extent changed the way that I experience the world, and some of those perceptual changes just don’t feel very good.” 1
As I lay there musing in the brisk darkness, I suddenly sensed a tightening inside me. It was as if I was being ever so gently wound. Then quickly, the pressure intensified, and I breathed in rapid-fire staccato and violently shook. I was a guitar string being tuned beyond its highest range. The string popped. A spike of fear slashed through my guts. And that’s when I split apart.
The next four hours were a hellscape of terror, panic and paranoia. There were almost no thoughts, only my body begging to escape my skin, convulsing like a fish fighting for life. The fear was a bottomless trench.
I knew nothing, except that something, everything, was terribly wrong. For minutes, I was completely immobilized. And even when I regained control, I was incapable of finding help. I wasn’t sure if I was real, or if the door to my cabin was real, or if anyone outside of it would be real.
I punched myself in the head at one point just to feel something solid. I couldn’t help myself because I couldn’t locate myself. Where was I? Who had I become? 2
The problem, I explained to them, was that I couldn’t stop being mindful or aware of everything that was going on within my mind and body, and the awareness felt like it was choking me to death. After a day of trying alternative meditation approaches, I left the retreat. 2
What are the causes of dissociation?
Why does it happen to some and not others? Or does it happen to everyone?
Should it be prevented? Or is it an inevitable part of the path of liberation?
Hakuin story 1
Footnotes
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Wendy Biddlecombe Agsar, “Buddhism’s Biggest Open Secret” https://tricycle.org/magazine/meditation-sickness/ ↩ ↩2
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https://danlawton.substack.com/p/when-buddhism-goes-bad ↩ ↩2